Tuesday, July 5, 2011

we are forever changed...


On the 27th of June 2010, a little over one year ago, I became a mother.

The discovery of my pregnancy was both shocking and not shocking at all. I knew even before I had proof, but the proof was mind blowing. On the day that I took a pregnancy test I wrote "when we saw the two little pink lines we held each other with teary eyes, our minds racing, thinking of the year to come. We are forever changed." This photo was taken not long after...

fated by two pink lines...

Exactly one year from that day Jeremy turns four months old. Unbelievable. From the moment I learned that he would be coming the preparations and research began. However, when babe does arrive in a pink screaming fit of rage,decisions like where to register for baby showers and  what theme the baby's room will center around seem so... so indulgent! 

As another June 27th comes and goes I remember that feeling like it was only yesterday; the wondering, the imagining, the dreaming, the obsessing over pregnancy "symptoms"...

I remember the way it felt to go so the drug store and purchase prenatal vitamins, or "What to Expect" at the book store. I remember feeling so nervous, like a fraud; the same way I felt as a 17 year old using a fake ID.  Like I needed a permit to go into Babies R Us. Certainly the sales clerk does not consider me to be competent enough to be a parent... Look at me now Lady-At-Chapters!

365 days later, and how things have changed! I don't quite have the words to honour all of the changes Warren and I have gone through... maybe one day. All I know for certain is that life is nothing like I imagined it would be on that June day. I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy, a surprisingly traumatic delivery and a baby with what most would describe as colic. Jeremy is more beautiful and brilliant than I could have imagined. He is developmentally early with everything, and so very much like his Daddy. 

Every day I am challenged, and every day I am rewarded.

When I look back at all of the reading, researching and pondering I did one year ago, I really don't think I got the point of it all. It really doesn't matter what kind of swaddle-blankets I have. Babies gestate just fine without mama knowing what kind of stone fruit they resemble this week. The books and websites all miss the mark I think... all there is to know is that when the time is right a baby is born, and at that moment so is the mama. They both have to learn how to live in this new, scary world, and they do it together in their own little ways.

I am learning to be a mama just like Jeremy is learning to be a person. I suspect that this is the process we will follow as days turn into years. 

At first I doubted that I was a natural mother but really I just had to be patient with myself and trust my heart and my baby. That's all there is to it.

One year later we are happy and so in love. Outside our little family life goes on like it always has, and this little baby fits so nicely in our loving nook...

love in our family bed.

Looking forward to the years to come (but not too forward as to miss the magic of now!).

Love Always,
Joan Blondina


Lacey said...

What beautiful words...I love reading your blog you are so insightful and real. I think all new moms should read your blog it really speaks to all the new emotions a new mom feels.

-Lacey :)

Joan Blondina said...

Thank you Lacey! That's such a sweet thing to say, and it really means a lot to me. It's nice to know that you are reading along :)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, Sara. I don't know what you're experiencing but it sounds like you're incredibly happy.

Aura said...


Thank you so much for your comment. I wanted to take a minute to come here and respond to you.
First of all, we are one week short of the day I became a Mother myself. It has been heavy on my mind these last few days, knowing that one year ago today something was changing inside of me that I wasn't quite aware of, yet.

And in response to what you left on my blog - please, please forgive me for coming across more graceful than I did. I had so many days and nights where I was just a shell of myself. Unbrushed hair, emotions worn thin, and times of absolute despair and frustration. I think every Mother has those moments - some are just luckier in the department of how long those feelings go on.
Elodie was a "colicky" baby as well. I didn't want to accept that term because I knew something was wrong, she just couldn't communicate with me. For 3 straight weeks she didn't sleep, and just screamed and screamed. Honestly, I was taking a break from my blog in those periods, and wasn't doing much writing about what life was like. Those words are personal for me, but I don't mind sharing them here, with you.

My hardest bought with the transition into Motherhood was finding who I was, inside of that shell. When my mind would cave into the depression of having something need me and hang on me 24 hours of the day, I would try my hardest to pull out of it and tell myself that things would be better, someday. And one day, they just were.

It seems like you have settled into that moment, Sara.
By the end of the message you left me, I was so happy to learn that you had found your own path to Motherhood. What a beautiful moment to realize that as a human being, we have not only healed, but learned something amazing in the process.

All my best,

Rebecca said...

I love your words, "I am learning to be a mama just like Jeremy is learning to be a person." ... so true of our natural flow as human beings, as Aura mentions above - our challenges help our soul to heal, but is does so graciously when we accept learning and growing from these moments ... I love to see you as a mother, you wear that role very naturally I think. You are a beautiful mama, just as Jeremy is a beautiful baby! xo

Joan Blondina said...

To Aura, what an amazing thing to come back to from my beach vacation! Thank you thank you thank you! You don't know how lucky I feel that you not only visited my little blog, but also left a beautiful comment. Thank you for opening up to me and trusting me with your words! I appreciate it to no end!

To Rebecca.....xoxo