Tuesday, July 5, 2011

we are forever changed...


On the 27th of June 2010, a little over one year ago, I became a mother.

The discovery of my pregnancy was both shocking and not shocking at all. I knew even before I had proof, but the proof was mind blowing. On the day that I took a pregnancy test I wrote "when we saw the two little pink lines we held each other with teary eyes, our minds racing, thinking of the year to come. We are forever changed." This photo was taken not long after...

fated by two pink lines...

Exactly one year from that day Jeremy turns four months old. Unbelievable. From the moment I learned that he would be coming the preparations and research began. However, when babe does arrive in a pink screaming fit of rage,decisions like where to register for baby showers and  what theme the baby's room will center around seem so... so indulgent! 

As another June 27th comes and goes I remember that feeling like it was only yesterday; the wondering, the imagining, the dreaming, the obsessing over pregnancy "symptoms"...

I remember the way it felt to go so the drug store and purchase prenatal vitamins, or "What to Expect" at the book store. I remember feeling so nervous, like a fraud; the same way I felt as a 17 year old using a fake ID.  Like I needed a permit to go into Babies R Us. Certainly the sales clerk does not consider me to be competent enough to be a parent... Look at me now Lady-At-Chapters!

365 days later, and how things have changed! I don't quite have the words to honour all of the changes Warren and I have gone through... maybe one day. All I know for certain is that life is nothing like I imagined it would be on that June day. I had a ridiculously easy pregnancy, a surprisingly traumatic delivery and a baby with what most would describe as colic. Jeremy is more beautiful and brilliant than I could have imagined. He is developmentally early with everything, and so very much like his Daddy. 

Every day I am challenged, and every day I am rewarded.

When I look back at all of the reading, researching and pondering I did one year ago, I really don't think I got the point of it all. It really doesn't matter what kind of swaddle-blankets I have. Babies gestate just fine without mama knowing what kind of stone fruit they resemble this week. The books and websites all miss the mark I think... all there is to know is that when the time is right a baby is born, and at that moment so is the mama. They both have to learn how to live in this new, scary world, and they do it together in their own little ways.

I am learning to be a mama just like Jeremy is learning to be a person. I suspect that this is the process we will follow as days turn into years. 

At first I doubted that I was a natural mother but really I just had to be patient with myself and trust my heart and my baby. That's all there is to it.

One year later we are happy and so in love. Outside our little family life goes on like it always has, and this little baby fits so nicely in our loving nook...

love in our family bed.

Looking forward to the years to come (but not too forward as to miss the magic of now!).

Love Always,
Joan Blondina