Sometimes I feel like the concept of time dissolves our chances of living in the moment and of being content with the present place we are in. I have never felt the pressure of time more than I do now. Days and weeks seem to escape me because as they pass by I can't see what I have done to fill them (as if I healthy, happy, brilliant 17lb baby is not enough!).
These days hanging the laundry on the line while wearing a baby in a sling takes twice the time. Knitting a pair of socks takes a month or more. Nesting in my new home is still a work in progress after three months (my very dirty secret is I have not washed the windows yet... really. never. They are absolutely filthy!). My garden is embarrassingly sparse in the flower department and full in the herbs-that-need-to-be-harvested-before-they-go-to-seed department. Putting thoughts into words takes much longer when done sentence. by sentence. by sentence.
My concept of time must change. While before motherhood I could devout my attention to completing a task, see the results, and celebrate the fruits of my labour (cold glass of Chardonnay?), now I must find a way to be content with what I am able to accomplish with a babe strapped to my chest.
It's a good lesson for me I think.
I am learning that my sense of self is not based on how clean my home is. I am learning that I don't have to plow through a book or a knitting project - books are read paragraph by paragraph not chapter by chapter and sweaters are knit stitch by stitch not arm by arm. I should feel accomplished if I have done a load of laundry and swept the floor, all in one day. Made it to one yoga class this week? Yay for me! Salad out of a box with a squirt of lemon is now considered cooking. And I feel just dandy about spending the afternoon singing songs to my littlest and biggest fan. Dust bunnies? What dust bunnies?
The biggest lesson I have learned this year- to embrace the moment...
I read a quote, author unknown to me, that says exactly what I need to know :
"Don't push the river; it flows on its own".
Soon enough Jeremy won't need me like he does now. Soon enough I wont be able to solve all of the worlds problems by nursing him. Soon enough he won't want to snuggle his mama all day long, and he won't think my songs are the bee's knees. Some day he will go to school and play with his friends and not come home until the street lights come on... but not today. Today I will spend the day making him laugh and showing him what cool water feels like on his toes.
Time is teaching me a much needed lesson. As the hands on the clock tick their way through the day I remain grounded in now. I remember what really matters. I grow patient. I am content.
 |
| making the bed with babe sleeping on my chest |
Love Always,
Joan Blondina
