Tuesday, October 12, 2010

we were meant for each other...

... this little bebe and us.

I am continuing to surprise myself as I seem to be taking this impending mommyhood thing so well. But the more I look back at the past six years or so, I see that this was all meant to happen this way, and I have been preparing to be a momma before I even realized.

People ALWAYS ask about our pregnancy: "was it planned?". What a funny question. I am not offended by the question; mostly confused. What do people mean by "planned" anyways? You can plan all kinds of things, but it doesn't mean that it's the right plan. And planning rarely results in an expected outcome anyways. Planning has never been my thing. I like to think that rather than 'planning' for this babe, we opted to 'prepare'; very slowly, and somehow subconsciously...

Four years ago when Warren and I were married, pregnancy was out of the question. Since the day of our wedding I have been fending off inquiries about my maternal status. Typically, I would gawk, as if I had some kind of aversion to gestation. I was often offended: why do I have to have babies just because I am married? Warren and I routinely celebrated my 'monthly gift' with a jump in the air and a hug! We knew that we wanted kids some day, we just really weren't yet emotionally ready for kiddies.

Warren and I spent the first couple of years of our marriage sorting ourselves (and each other) out. Remember, we were young when we got married. I could barely say the word 'husband'! During our growing years I finished grad school and Warren made a difficult decision about his career path and successfully finished two years of college. We spent a lot of time learning about what we wanted in life. We also spent our fair share of time in a tumultuous game of marital trial and error, whereby we learned how to be married, how to be individuals, how to communicate, and just how to make things work when life gets hard. Because of this we are very happy and secure in our relationship. When I think about it, had we had children when people thought we should have, when would we have had the chance to fine tune our relationship? At the time I didn't know it, but throughout all of the growing pains I think we were preparing for much more challenging adventures ahead...

Throughout the years I observed a more personal evolution. I slowly became more domestic, and our meals went from grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup to homemade soups, curries and fresh salads. At some point I swore off chemical household cleaners and began making all my own, or purchasing all natural products. By the start of this year, I lost interest in any kind of party nightlife and became very choosy about where I would go out. I didn't even want to 'go out' for New Year's Eve; opting to spend it quietly with friends. I stopped drinking to get drunk because I just had no enjoyment in it anymore. I wasn't depressed or anything. It was actually the opposite. Before I even realized it, I had begun to make room in my life for a child. And no, none of this was planned.

In November/December 2009 Warren and I went to New Zealand for almost a month. This was a long awaited trip for me. I love to travel, but since graduating university I hadn't been able to take off more than a week to go anywhere. I was aching to have an extended adventure, and the marriage of our friends was the push we needed. While in New Zealand we spent a lot of time in hostels and bars, surrounded by other travellers our age, yet I could never relate to them. Warren and I just kept to ourselves for the most part. Meeting people in hostels used to be my favorite thing about travel and I would have been in my element a few years earlier, but somehow at 26 I felt too old for it. This was a sign. As we traveled throughout the gorgeous country I couldn't help but secretly think that I could see us doing this with  a little beeb someday. This was another sign.

I have accomplished some of the things that I wanted to have done by the time we started having babies, and others I haven't. I didn't realize that being ready has more to do with being present in the moment than fulfilling a set of tasks (ie. get married, buy a house, pay off student loans, have a baby). By letting life unfold we were able to come to this decision so organically. While before when we would see babies in public we would look at each other expressing pity for the parents, now we can't walk buy a baby without waving or go-go-ga-ga-ing over the little person. Somehow it just snuck up on us!

I am not sure exactly what all of this is meant to illustrate; I guess I just wanted to pay respect to our process and honour how we got here. It wasn't as simple as a conversation over dinner: "We're not getting any younger, we really should try to get pregnant"... Not at all. I am proud of us for waiting until we arrived at that intangible 'feels right' place.

   {us on our wedding day in 2006}

So, here's to adventures to come and a whole new journey to trust in.

Love Always, 
Joan Blondina

* Stay tuned for a video unveiling of the most popular question in pregnancy: boy or girl?


Anonymous said...

A beautiful entry, so eloquent and honest. Could not be happier for you, your hubby and your baby : )

putitonmyTAB said...

how did you get so wise? thanks so much for writing - planning has never been my thing either. it makes me feel so good to know how happy you are with where you are. "everything in it's right place"

Anonymous said...

Awesome post.

How old were you when you got married? 23? If so I've got you beat by one year and I'm ALREADY going gaga over babies (I blame my sister for having two really cute kids - usually whatever she gets, I get soon after).

I am so with you on this post and can completely understand what it's like to be a young married couple, which is so rare this day and age.

I can't wait to find out if you're having a boy or a girl and can't wait for Karen to be an Auntie!